Extract from "The Way It Is" - Warner/Davis Computer The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know Response Time Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time Hardware See "Computer" Again, not your concern Software If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it; otherwise, leave us alone Network Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your halfwit selves, and don't think we don't read it all. What do you think we do all day? By the way, Butterman... shame about your mother's pancreas Data The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any, delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the computer (See "Response Time") System Crash Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is down. Don't call him to ask when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes Downtime Like I said, don't ask Uptime Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face Overtime Don't be ridiculous Vacation A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't try calling, there's no point Computer Room Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door - don't even think about it. I broke the phone the last time one of you jerks called me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the windows. My Office The name says it all... it's mine; stay out Your Problems Not my concern Deadlines The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not my responsibility. Go tell somebody who cares. Maintenance A. A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time B. Much more important than anything any of you bozos do C. Anything I choose to call maintenance Software Upgrades Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm Upgrading the System, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours Electronic Mail I delete it before reading it, so don't bother sending any to me Defaults We like them just the way they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't mess with them, consider them mandatory Error Messages I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them to yourself Killing your Process A. Don't ever ask why B. Beyond your control C. No warnings given D. The highlight of my day E. If you call it's going to happen. No exceptions Passwords I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be. (Eg BUTTERMAN: SNOTFACE) Users A. They slow down the computer B. They waste my time C. A general nuisance D. Worse than that, actually Software Modifications You don't know what you want - we'll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period Privileges I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said Priority Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time") Terminals Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this: A. Are you prepared to do without one for weeks? B. Do you really want your process killed? C. Did you just trip over the cord again? D. Of course you did Disk Space I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check "Data Files" Operator I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually armed; always dangerous Backups A. A good idea B. If I gave a sh*t C. Which of course I don't Lunch The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your process Data Security That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure Jiffy The length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your process Eternity Length of time it takes to give a sh*t about any problem that can't be resolved by killing your process Impossible A. It can't be done (as far as you know) B. I can't be bothered C. You're starting to annoy me Inevitable A. Couldn't have been avoided B. Not my fault (as far as you know) C. The result of annoying me Menus If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working on it. (See "Eternity") Utilities I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides, they're not on your menu, are they? What did I tell you about that? Nuisance You Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling you Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask some- one else. Sincerely, System Manager P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts. (This means you Butterman!) -- -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ This signature was created using RoboSig, the errorfree sigmaker. Simon Travaglia, spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz, Uni of Waikato, P B, Hamilton, NZ Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and have no bearing his work or employers (but his teddy agrees with him) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Law of Fashion: The same dress is: indecent 10 years before its time daring 1 year before its time chic in its time dowdy 3 years after its time hideous 20 years after its time amusing 30 years after its time romantic 100 years after its time beautiful 150 years after its time -- James Laver